I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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