If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
