we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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