So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
