This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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