I wanna bring you to show and tell
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Randomize
