Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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