I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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