I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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