Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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