i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize