I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
