I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
