Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
