theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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