Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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