were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
