mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
