ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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