upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
