just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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