I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
