I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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