My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
