There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
