Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
