69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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