So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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