I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dignity is for republicans.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
