Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
