SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
