God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
