I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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