my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
