I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
