I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
