I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
