I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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