piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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