He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
