so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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