Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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