Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
