I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
