i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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