We named our party play list daddy issues
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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