You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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