if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
