I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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