i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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