Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
