if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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