Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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