I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you had me at cake vodka
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize