then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
