Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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