Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
