Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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