He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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