I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
