They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
