if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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