If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
