The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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